I don't need to walk around in circles, walk around in circles...

TMI ALERT! You've been warned...


*siiiighhhh* If its not one thing, its another.
So a piece of  my saliva test from the Naturopath showed that I had low progesterone, which totally explains why my periods were 55 days apart.  My non-functioning thyroid was now affecting LITERALLY every single part of my life.  It is truly quite fascinating how your body is a well oiled machine, and if one cog is broken, the rest of the wheels don't turn either.  So in true holistic health form, Dr. K gave me a natural progesterone replacement supplement to try to help my hormonal levels readjust.  She also gave me some adrenal boosters too.  So many times, when your thyroid is burnt out, your adrenals have gone kaput as well. 

Adrenal fatigue can explain why you need coffee or soda in the morning to get going, or why your energy crashes at 3pm everyday...fascinating! I say this a lot, but, IT ALL MAKES SO MUCH SENSE!!! 

Read about adrenal fatigue here: http://thyroid.about.com/cs/endocrinology/a/adrenalfatigue.htm

During the winter of 2011 I was taking B12, D3, Iron, natural progesterone (6 pills/day), the natural adrenal booster (6 pills/day), fish oil, Synthroid, and a probiotic.  As much as I like and believe in the good work my Naturopath does, it was exhausting!!!! That is 18 pills a day people!!!! And of course they all have to be timed differently so as not to interact with food, or each other, so I was setting timers and reminders all over the place. I had one of those weekly pill organizers, and you know its bad when comparing notes with my 86 year old grandmother I had more pills in my caddy than she did!

After about 4 weeks on the natural progesterone my periods went from 55 days apart to every 9 days. I would bleed for 7 days, have 9 days off, bleed for 7 days, etc...so, obviously the supplements were affecting something in my body, but it took it from one extreme to another. Talk about another exhausting experience!  Ladies, I think we all agree, that one period a month is more than enough to deal with....this was getting to be a little ridiculous.

Looking back, this two month time frame was probably the lowest point of my journey. I had been given so much hope - finally having a diagnosis, overhauling my diet, finally finding really great support through Dr. Michelle, Dr. K and my gyno....  But here I was, still feeling highly symptomatic, feeling like I was going to bleed to death (and still not pregnant!), feeling crazy and seriously considering going for those antidepressants, and the cherry on top - gaining 12 pounds in 2 months despite all of my healthy eating and exercising at least 3+ times per week.
Hashimotos really fucks with your metabolism. If I don't stick to a strict 1200 calorie/day diet and do a hardcore workout at least every other day, then I can literally gain 3-5 lbs per week. 5 days in Florida over spring break, with a few margaritas, maybe a slice of key lime pie, and no exercise, some people might gain 2 pounds at the most, I gained 8! So if you see me obsessing on the computer tracking every single morsel I put in my mouth, there is a reason! Just leave me alone and don't tell me I don't need to use Weight Watchers - their points system is awesome for someone like me and its the main reason I don't weigh 250lbs!

(Weight Watchers is awesome...but I do sometimes prefer www.myfooddiary.com) 

 I just really wanted to lay in bed with the covers over my head for the rest of eternity.  It was all I could do to force myself out of bed and put on my fake happy face everyday. 
Again, I applaud my friends, co-workers, and awesome hubby and daughter for pretending not to notice and putting up with me with a smile on their faces anyway...I'm pretty sure I wasn't pleasant to be around. 
(But I will say, I do have this one co-worker who always says "Wow, you look tired." Literally, on a daily basis. Yes, honey. I. am. tired. I'm tired of being tired and I don't need you to remind me everyday that I look like shit. Thanks though.)

I went back to my gyno to discuss the wonky period thing. Although she fully supports my Naturopath, she wanted me to get off the natural progesterone, go back on the pill to give my body a hormonal break, and then when I was really ready to have another baby, get off the pill and take Clomid right away. 

Hashimoto’s Disease and Unexplained Infertility

A hypoactive thyroid could make a woman infertile by hampering ovulatory phase despite getting her menses regularly. Females having undetected hypothyroidism and repeated failed attempts at conceiving have an augmented chance of miscarrying or birth interruption.
A number of females with hypoactive thyroid have presence of high amounts of prolactin in their bodies, a type of hormone which brings about breast milk secretion subsequent to child birth. Presence of excessive prolactin levels could hamper ovulation. Hypothyroidism could additionally cut short the luteal phase in a menstrual cycle every month that would last for a regular twelve to sixteen days on an average. In case the luteal phase is briefer than ten days then the lining of uterus does not get ample time to satisfactorily develop for facilitating proper embryo implantation.

Clomid would FORCE me to ovulate. It might not work, but if it does, there is a high risk of multiples.  Wow. I don't want triplets...
There are also some risks with Hashimotos if you do happen to get pregnant. 

How is the Baby Affected if the Mother has Hashimoto’s?

Anyone with a hypothyroid condition is more likely to experience problems in becoming pregnant than people with a normal-functioning thyroid, and risks suffering recurrent miscarriages. Untreated hypothyroidism of all sorts increases the risk of coronary artery disease, as it is closely associated with a prevalence of lipid disorders. In women with Hashimoto’s, this is most likely to emerge as antiphospholipid syndrome; this is easily tested, and the dangers overcome by simple aspirin and Heparin treatment. Untreated, it can cause blood-clotting problems as the placenta develops, and later complications such as premature birth, and low birthweight.

Other risks to the baby mirror those of any hypothyroid condition, and include placental abruption and pre-eclampsia (pregnancy-induced hypertension). Mild brain developmental abnormalities may also occur in children born to women with untreated hypothyroidism for reasons other than iodine deficiency (see above), so any form of hypothyroidism must be identified and treated. The key advice seems to be “test and test again” to make sure any variation in thyroid levels is accounted for, and the baby receives all the iodine necessary

Read more at Suite101: Risks to the Baby in a Hashimoto's Pregnancy: Can this Autoimmune Thyroid Condition Harm Your Baby? | Suite101.com http://www.suite101.com/content/risks-to-the-baby-in-a-hashimotos-pregnancy-a123873#ixzz1Rou7bXGy

Certainly, this is all very hard to swallow.  Especially since Jillian was so (relatively) easy to get here.  Ryan and I had a very long conversation, followed by lots of sitting and alone-time thinking, and then another very long conversation about what to do next.  Ultimately, even though we realize that thousands of women with Hashimotos go on to have healthy pregnancies and healthy babies, we are not willing to take on the risks involved.  There are too many things we are not comfortable with - from fertility treatments, to miscarriage, to me possibly having to be on bed rest for the better part of 9 months (remember, I already have significant joint pain,  swelling, and fatigue...how is pregnancy going to affect that?) In the end, the stress on my body, and the subsequent stress on our marriage, family, and work lives is just not worth it to us.  So I got back on the pill.

The decision was heartbreaking for me.  The hardest part of all was that it seemed like there were babies EVERYWHERE. Everyone around me - close friends, family members, co-workers, were pregnant.  I wanted to be pregnant, but couldn't.  It was so hard to watch everyone compare their growing bellies, plan for baby showers, etc and know that I'm never doing it again.  It also seems like, when someone is pregnant, that's all we ever talk about. There are other things going on in the world besides babies!
 Of course, I'm thrilled for everyone, I would never take that excitement away from them. They deserve it, they're wonderful people, and I'm so completely over the moon with joy for each and every one of them...but there was always a small part of me that was like, SHUT UP! I don't want to hear about your stupid 3D sonogram today!  Not today...Not today. 

(I also hate the question "when is Jillian getting a sibling...?"  Ok people, I know you mean well, but really, none of your business! She never asks me when she's getting one, so why do you?!)

 I think the lowest of the low points was when a friend asked to borrow my summer maternity clothes - of course! Why buy new ones?  I had no idea that something as simple as folding them up and putting them in a bag would bring on such a flood of emotions.  I had a nervous breakdown on the floor of my walk-in closet.  I didn't even really like being pregnant!!! and here I am bawling all over my fat pants!  As much as it hurt, I think I needed that night though, because passing my clothes over to a friend was kind of like shutting the book on the whole thing.  Closure.  Quit obsessing, the decision has been made.  We have one gorgeous, smart, healthy, amazing daughter.  Let's be happy with what we've been blessed with.

Time to move on...