Food is not the enemy...Food is NOT the enemy...

So I'm recovering from a sinus infection...after 3 really hard, stressful weeks my body just basically finally gave me the big ol' middle finger and shut down business. It happens every time this year (beginning of a new school year), so I should expect it and know its coming...
I'm trying really hard to NOT take medications, as a lot of OTC stuff can screw with your thyroid and inhibit absorption of your thyroid meds...so, I'm just trying to stick with the netipot, hot/cold compresses on my face, etc.


I also made a visit to Dr. Magic-Hands Michelle today...which is always a welcome treat, but even more so when I'm not feeling well. I was telling her about not feeling well, but how I still forced myself to do the elliptical and do an hour step aerobics class and an hour weightlifting class earlier in the week (fever included). I felt great afterwards, actually...weird, considering...but Michelle brought a good point...how the frick do I exercise as much as I do, eat as healthy as I do, and still not have a rock hard body? Well, First, I'm not genetically engineered that way...I've always had meat to me, and I'm ok with it, I'vemade peace with it. I've been bigger than I am now, and I've been skinnier than I am now. It's my main goal to just stay where I am. Second, my thyroid condition makes it pretty impossible to lose weight, and makes it pretty easy to put it on. I have to really watch everything I put in my mouth or else it can get out of control very quickly, metabolic disorders suck!   
 In the lowest of my low days when I'm not feeling good about myself (we all have them...) its one of the things that pisses me off the most.  I do everything right, yet my body always seems to betray me...
Now, Dr. M also brings up a good point too - what would I be like if I DIDN'T make so much effort towards health?  Would I be a bedridden, 400 pound mess?  The thought terrified me. It also pissed me off a little bit because, ho-ly crapola, I'm in this for LIFE! I will be doing back to back cardio classes until the day. I. die. I'm never going to rest again. Good thing my motto is "If you're bored, you're not doing it right"....

So, Michelle and her magic hands got my sinuses moving and after an afternoon of sneezing fits Ryan and I decided to let Jillian stay at school a little longer while we went to a mommy and daddy, kid-free happy hour.  It was nice to regroup, especially since he's been travelling so much, and I've been running around like a crazy person taking care of 500 other families (literally) and pretty much neglecting my own in the process.  Houlihan's has a gluten free menu, but I pretty much said F-It.  I ate the most amazing chicken nachos, loaded with sour cream, cheese, and more salt than anyone should eat in an entire year. I also had a giant beer, and two margaritas.  It was amazing in my mouth!  I am so careful with what I eat every other day of the week...I sometimes just don't want to nit-pick, and just eat what sounds good.  I've barely eaten all week, F-it. Chicken nachos it is!


OMG! why do I do this to myself? Where is my brain?! I am currently sitting here unable to sleep,  in pain and misery, not only because of the sinus issues, but now my body and every joint and appendage is on fire with pain and inflammation (EVEN MY LIPS ARE SWOLLEN!!!)  from my poor food choices.  I'm not looking for sympathy, I'm pissed at myself! I know better than this! 


So here's the thing... THIS IS FOR LIFE. I'm officially the freak at the table who holds everyone else up and has to special order everything.  It is what it is, I guess. I don't want to be the 400 pound, bedridden mess. So I guess it's worth it...it could always be worse. Just bear with me if we're eating together and I have to ask a bajillion questions...trust me, its better than the alternative!

That being said...I'd like to share two new foods I've found that are amazing - they taste good, don't aggravate any of my symptoms, and are gluten/soy/dairy free.  They are great for breakfast or quick snacks.  Try 'em! you might like 'em!

Lara Bars - my version of a Nutri-Grain bar only waaaaayyyy better for you with only 4 ingredients, and NO CHEMICALS!  (By the way...it is my new goal to only eat things that have 4 or less ingredients) 
they make me extremely happy at 630am when I'm sitting at my desk starving (because who has time or desire to cook breakfast at the crack of dawn?), or at 3pm when I'm having a blood sugar slump.  YAY Lara Bars!  My favs are Apple Pie, Cherry Pie, Pecan, and Lemon...they are on sale right now at Hy-Vee for 10 for $10.  They are normally $1.59 each, so I've been going every week and stocking up while the sale is going on.  If you want to know what to get me for Christmas - Lara Bars in bulk would be awesome!!!! haha!

My second favorite new thing is "Amazing Grass - Amazing Meal"...now this is going to take a minute for some of you, but hear me out.... it is a meal replacement powder that you mix with either rice or almond milk to make a shake out of.  It has Acai, Wheatgrass, a Probiotic, Hemp Protein, Flax Seed, etc and all ingredients are from an organic farm in Kansas! Now, this has way more than 4 ingredients...but...they're good ones at least!

Benefits:

Confluence of Functional Foods Hemp Protein Powder can supply any diet with a vegetarian source of essential fatty acids, antioxidants, vitamins, minerals, fiber, chlorophyll and a complete, balanced gluten-free source of the essential amino acids. Rice Protein is an excellent source of vegan, hypo-allergenic protein that is an alternative to soy, without the animal products of whey. Organic Wheat Grass Powder ' One of the most potent green vegetables available. Wheat grass is an excellent source of natural vitamins, minerals, amino acids, and enzymes. Wheat grass is known to be highly alkalizing and will help detoxify the body. Organic Kale - Kale is rich, calcium, and iron. Kale has seven times the beta-carotene of broccoli and ten times more lutein. Organic Barley Grass Powder ' Part of the cereal grass family green barley grasses contain a multitude of enzymes. It appears that there may be thousands of active enzymes in barley grass, especially superoxide dismutase (SOD), a major detoxifying enzyme sometimes recommended in combating arthritis. Organic Alfalfa Powder ' Roots grow very deep to absorb many minerals and nutrients from the soil. Contains eight essential amino acids, is a rich source of vitamin B12, natural fluoride and chlorophyll. Organic Açaí ' This berry is grown in the Brazil rainforest by our friends at Sambazon. It packs more antioxidants than blueberries or pomegranates, plus an abundance of omega fats, protein and fiber. Organic Carrot Powder ' Excellent source of vitamin A from Beta Carotene. Carrots are believed to be very beneficial for eye health. Organic Blueberries - Blueberries are concentrated in anthocyanins and other health promoting antioxidants, plus they add to the great taste of Amazing Meal. Organic Goji Berries ' This healthy berry shows off its phytonutrients in bright red colors. Goji berries are one of the most nutritionally dense fruits on the planet and have been long revered in Tibet for its health promoting effects. Organic Maca 'This amazing adaptogenic root enhances your ability to deal with stress while boosting energy, endurance and performance. Organic Rose Hips - Natural source of Vitamin C. Promotes good health with bioflavonoids and strong antioxidant and immunity support. Organic Banana ' We added organic banana to Amazing Meal so it would taste like you just stepped out of a smoothie shop, only healthier. The great taste it not overmatched by its excellent source of energizing B vitamins and potassium. Organic Flax Seed Powder ' Organic flax seeds are a great source of Omega 3's and fiber.

So I was skeptical because I was pretty sure it was going to taste like complete crap.  My naturopath had given me a drink powder to try and it was HORRIBLE! But this one got amazing review throughout several websites, so I decided to give it a go.  I mix with rice milk, a banana, and ice.  If I know if I'm not going to be able to eat again for a while, I mix some almond butter in with it too.  It really is amazing!!!! sooo good, balances my blood sugar, and I don't have to eat 3 morning snacks to get through without passing out.  It is definitely a new favorite on my list of "weirdo foods"

I would also like to ask for a "Magic Bullet" for Christmas...because it would be awesome to make up my morning shake faster and with a built-in "to-go" cup.  Plus, our blender sucks...



Ok, so I'll admit, Amazing Grass and Lara Bars don't taste like chicken nachos...but...they also don't make me want to jump off a bridge at 2am either...just sayin'

That dead tree in the back yard was probably the one the money grew on...

I'm having cash flow anxiety with this adoption!  Ryan and I have been very fortunate in our 5 years of marriage to not always have to worry about where the bacon is coming from...

That hasn't always been the case, however.  When we first got married we were in collective credit card debt to the tune of about $17k.  It sucked, it was scary, and it was NOT an awesome way to start out married life.  We did some re-managing, refinanced Ryan's house (now MY house too) and were able to pay off all of our debts, and keep them away for good, and we have impeccable credit to show for it. We undoubtedly know how blessed we are to both have good, stable careers, and to have amazing health insurance through Ryan's company.  Make no mistake though, we have WORKED OUR ASSES OFF to remain financially stable.  It's not easy, and we've cut things out over the years to be able to have the things we really want (I don't really like cable tv that much anyway...and Ryan LOVVVES driving a beat up old Ford pickup with no AC, especially THIS summer - but its totally worth it to be able to take that yearly trip to Florida!)

Suddenly though, I find us at a crossroads of  - we'll be ok, to HOLY SHIT WE'RE GOING TO BE IN THE POOR HOUSE!  Adoption is freaking expensive y'all, and I'm not sure how we're going to cover it. 

Here is breakdown of the costs:
$300 application fee
$52 per person fingerprinting fees
$2500-$2900 Adoption Home Study fee
(remember all that paperwork? someone has to process it...)

$20,215 Korea Program Placement fee
(Korean children basically live in the Waldorf-Astoria until they are adopted...its one of the reasons we picked the program. You will not find 14 babies crammed in one crib in a sad looking orphanage like you see on Dateline in Korea...these kids are well taken care of! It's a perk to know your child is getting amazing care...but you pay dearly for it)

 $500 Parent Escort Service Fee
(Holt-Korea charges a Parent Escort Service Fee of $500 for parents who choose to travel to Seoul to escort their own child home. We DEFINITELY need an escort! I don't know how to speak Korean and pretty sure I'd end up in Timbuktu if I tried to navigate the train system by myself. Plus, we have to go to Korean court...I definitely need help with that!)

Post placement Fee $1,200 - $1,400    
(There will be follow-up visits with your social worker and reports for the overseas office. This is required by foreign countries and offers families an opportunity to receive support while the child and family are adjusting to each other. The same agency provides both the adoption study and post placement services)

Unknown $$ - TRAVEL TO KOREA
(1 plane ticket could cost $800-$3k, depending on the time of year we get called to travel. Cross your fingers its not December! that is the biggest holiday travel time for Koreans. I want to be able to have me, Ryan, and Jillian travel. But really only one adult has to go.  I really don't think I could bear going alone, or even going without Jilly. I feel its important for her to be there and be a part of it)

Other Expenses to Anticipate
Additional expenses which are paid to various service providers. Including:

• Obtaining copies of legal documents
• Finger printing
• Visa filing fee
• Medical exams
• Travel expenses
• Phone calls to Holt
• Postage
• Legal adoption

I want to throw up just thinking about it.  We could get a loan, but no bank right now is giving $30k worth of loans with less than 10% interest.   We could get a 0% credit card, but the adoption agency wants cold, hard cash.  There are grants and things available for adoption, but so far we have not found one we qualify for.  Most of them are if you are devout Christians, Jewish, adopting a child with special needs, or if you are Korean-American adopting a Korean baby.  We have not been able to find anything special for just regular people wanting to adopt a healthy baby.  We can expect about a $13k tax refund from the government when the adoption is complete...but that law is always changing, and who knows what it will be by the time everything is final for us.  We cannot count on that as an absolute.

Its quite discouraging. I feel like we do everything right, but keep getting pushed back down. We're financially responsible, but we're going to go into debt over this. That is hard to swallow, especially since we work so hard to stay OUT of debt.  We have savings, but don't want to drain entire bank accounts either...
I try very hard to be extremely healthy - eat right, exercise, don't eat fast food, don't smoke, etc, but yet my body won't allow me to have another biological child.  If I were having a total pity party here, then I would say that the universe is throwing out all the signs that we should just be happy with the one child we have. 

But... I'm not a quitter and I never back down. I always find a way to get what I want. We'll figure this out...
let me get out my little change bucket...

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Seeing as I have either been in, or worked in a school since 1985 (with a brief hiatus from the years 2003-06) I have always considered the beginning of my "year" to be mid-August...not January.  So for me, next week (August 16th to be exact) is the beginning of a new YEAR for the Creeden household.  Instead of getting the typical warm fuzzies and reflective feelings like the rest of you do the last week of December...I'm getting them now...

So this past "year" was one of great discovery and change for me. 

I changed jobs (within my job) and changed my work schedule.  (Can I just tell you that, yes, even though I do get off at 3pm, getting to work at 630am IS ROUGH!  ESPECIALLY in the dead of winter.  Getting to work that early also means my alarm goes off at 430am...I snooze it until 445, then I'm up and at'em...)  But I'm happy and grateful to have a job, and job I really enjoy with people I really love, no less. 

This "year", Jillian also turned 3 and started coming to school with me.  She is now almost 4 and has just grown and flourished more than I could ever imagined or hoped for.  The other day at school I was working away when I looked at the clock and realized it was her classroom's lunchtime.  I said outloud "I'm going to take a little break and go sit with my daughter while she eats". How fortunate am I to have that luxury?!  I love having her in the same building... but at the same time, hearing the words "my daughter" sometimes still sounds so surreal! How in the world am I old enough to have kids already?!

Which brings me to Kansas City....last night Ryan and I were walking around downtown on our date night and I realized that next weekend I will have lived in Kansas City for 12 YEARS!!! I was 19 when I moved into my first apartment - it seems like a lifetime ago, but at the same time, seems like it was two seconds ago!  Before you know it "my daughter" will be 19 and moving away, and then I might throw up...

My health...blah blah blah. It's all been said before.  I had a *YEAR* in the health department! But you know what? That year, I'd never want to do it again, and would never wish it on anyone.  It sucked. Plain and Simple.  But, it needed to happen.  I've learned so much.  And after being on new medication for almost two months, and being gluten/soy/dairy/allergen free for 6 months, I have to say I feel pretty damn good!  There are still bad days, and I will be conscious of it every day of the rest of my life.  But I feel pretty comfortable saying that I will no longer STRUGGLE with it every day of the rest of my life.  That is an amazing weight lifted off of my shoulders....(now if only I could get the weight lifted off my ass and thighs...that'd be great too! damn thyroid and metabolic disease!)


And the biggest change of all - deciding to adopt a child from Korea! Everyone we tell says "wow, that's a really big decision"...well, isn't deciding to have a biological child a pretty enormous decision as well?!  I'm hoping by the beginning of next "year" we will have our little one home and adjusting.  Time will tell. I'm trying not to think too much about it in day to day life, because if I do I will become a mess of anxiety ridden goo. Someone really smart recently told me "let go, and let God".  I'm really trying to apply that concept to this situation.  I have complete control over pretty much everything in my life, I have got to try to remember that I cannot control the Korean government. 

Anyways, HAPPY NEW (SCHOOL) YEAR everyone!!!  I wish you much success and happiness in the up-coming year!!! BRING IT!